Indianapolis

"Eli really needs our support in the big game on Sunday," wrote Peyton. "But you know who doesn't deserve our thoughts and prayers? Jim Irsay. That's who. I'm not saying we should wish him ill or anything, but it would really mean a lot to me if you sent absolutely no positive vibes his way."

The NFL has taken some heat for hosting this year's Super Bowl in a smaller city than normal, but Indianapolis is trying to combat its small-town reputation by busing in homeless people from larger nearby nearby metropolitan areas like Chicago and Detroit, hoping first-time visitors will mistake Indiana's capital for the big city it strives to be.

Following the tradition set by the 1984 Baltimore Colts, some members of the 2012 Baltimore Ravens will be heading to Indianapolis for the Super Bowl in the middle of the night via Mayflower trucks. About 20 members of the team have agreed to take the trip led by MLB Ray Lewis and Defensive Coordinator, Chuck Pagano, who was just named the Colts new Head Coach.

Among those celebrating were wide receiver Brandon Middleton, quarterback John Kitna, and running back Rudi Johnson, all of whom claimed to look forward to the Colt 45 uncorking every year.

It’s a seasonal tradition for millions of disloyal Indiana residents: The changing of the college sports seasons from football to basketball. Each November, after yet another disappointing Notre Dame football season, mindless Hoosiers begin their perennial migration of fandom to focus upon Indiana University’s basketball team.

“Wow!” an exuberated chief executive, Bill Polian exclaimed. “That was your classic trap game against Cincy. I mean, they should beat us, but have such a littered history of massive meltdowns and chokes that I was sincerely worried they might let this one go. I almost considered taking Cedric Benson out on the town last night just to lock this sucker down.”

“‘Proud’ does not accurately reflect the feelings of our company’s owners and management when we see the on-field play of the Vikings and Colts,” the memo says. “At best, the emotion could be described as ‘mild discomfiture’.”