White Sox

In the second inning of Detroit's 5-0 win, catcher Tyler Flowers swung so hard at a changeup from Verlander that he spun around quickly four times as the ball was crossing the plate.

“We’re treating September's home games as a wake/funeral for the 2011 season,” said Sox VP of marketing Brooks Boyer. “The last few seasons have ended in disappointment, and we don’t want our fans to go into the winter without having said their last goodbyes until spring."

“Something had to be done,” said a downcast Williams. “His stroke is shot and we felt that hitting plastic wiffle balls off a tee with eight-year-olds might be the shock to get him back on track.”

"It felt great to get to 2,000 hits, but that negative sure is a bummer, isn't it," said an exhausted Konerko after the game, still trying to catch his breath after an attempted steal in the sixth inning. "But hey, at least I'm not Adam Dunn. That would really be embarrassing."

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Guillen said he would also be open to dwarfs, hobbits, and others with restricted growth joining the team if they could field better than the current Sox outfield.

Authorities have been poking around U.S. Cellular Field and Wrigley Field for the last several weeks after receiving several tips that White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen and Cubs manager Mike Quade may have violated Illinois Child Labor laws in regards to their play of Brent Lillibridge and Tony Campana, respectively.