White Sox

With the White Sox bringing in their usual 1,200 a game for the month of April, the front office is beginning to become impatient for their summer averages of 2,500. The solution: Starting a new 'Trailer Park Thursdays' ticket special.

Dusty Baker is notorious for the controversial way he handles his pitchers and recently weighed in on the White Sox' decision to move starter Chris Sale into the closer role while he deals with a sore elbow.

The prognosis from Los Angeles Angels team doctors is as worst feared: 1B Albert Pujols has been officially pronounced “Dunn for the year,” as in Chicago White Sox 1B/DH Adam Dunn.

Major League Baseball took the bold step of affixing Phil Humber’s perfect game with an asterisk in the official record book. The non-traditional asterisk -- a Mariners’ logo -- symbolizes Humber’s gem coming against a team that won a combined 128 games the previous two seasons.

"I didn't mean nothing by it," said Guillen. "I had some time on my hands during this suspension and decided to grow a mustache like one of my favorite athletes, Michael Jordan. I didn't know people would think I grew it to be like Adolf [expletive deleted] Hitler."

"Yeah, you know, I like to switch stuff up," said Delzinski. "It's nice to get drunk somewhere other than the plant every once in a while so I might as well do it at the Sox opener."

“Look, I’m not saying I approve of brainwashing millions of people through oppression and propaganda,” Ventura said in a press conference he held to clarify his earlier statement. “My point was that I had to admire anyone who could attain a position of leadership despite a lack of experience and meaningful qualifications.”