Ozzie Guillen working as server at Brazzaz
"He said he was between gigs and was looking for a little action," said Brazzaz proprietor Joao Valentes. "Unfortunately, we didn't have any opportunities for him to do broadcast or print ad representation for us. But Ozzie's an old amigo, so I did what I could."
Chicago voters affirm ban on sleeves at U.S. Cellular Field
"This will make games at the Cell even more jam-packed with sinister-looking fans with tattoos of 80's metal band names on their guns," said Benowski, displaying the Anthrax tat on his arm. "Awesome, right? Sleeves are for [expletive deleted] Cubs fans!"
Jake Peavy’s right index finger detaches during contract signing
"It's just something I'll have to work through. To tell you the truth, it's not the only thing that's detached over the last few years," he said, referring to an ear and several toes that were found on the locker room floor.
Sox fans rejoice: 2013 ticket price decrease means stadium binge drinking increase
"This is the happiest day since I started receiving workers compensation in 2006," said 46-year-old Jim Stevens, construction worker and Sox fan. "Now I can use this extra cash to put away three more rounds and have no recollection of yelling at umpires incoherently."
Hawk Harrelson breaks down, admits his career is a complete sham
"In my 53 years in Major League Baseball, I have never witnessed a bigger scam brought on the fans than that of my own career," said Harrelson.
Sox not sure where to store all the still-beating hearts they just ripped out...
"Do we get a giant freezer or something?" asked one Sox official. "Maybe we can call the Cubs and see what they typically do with fans' hearts once they've ripped them out."
Steve Stone admits he hasn’t understood a word Hawk has said since day one
"I was just guessing as to what those phrases meant, and tried to use his body language as a barometer to judge whether the phrase was a result of something good, or something bad," said Stone.
