Chicago

"We were unprepared for Sunday's game," Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told reporters. "And that's on us. We don't plan to be caught by surprise again. That's why, until construction is over, we have added portable toilets to the premises, and for the first time have made it acceptable for fans to urinate on the field, so long as it's really an emergency."

After Sunday night's restroom debacle at Wrigley we decided to dig up an old post that provided helpful tips to fans in need of a little relief. Enjoy!

"I've always said I'm a man of the people," said Kenney. "And to prove it, I'm going to allow fans the opportunity to use my 950 square foot executive restroom to do what I can to help with the major restroom issues we had last night."

Team officials announced this morning that the 14-foot-high tribute would be set in the middle of the intersection of Clark and Addison so passing motorists wouldn’t have to get out of their cars to take selfies near it. And if anyone questions why such an honor was being afforded Bryant, well, you know, he’s "super good," according to a Cubs spokesperson.

Now that the new "High-Fade Retro Dub Zero Gucci Stab The Guy In Line Next To You" Air Jordans are out, Nike wants you to know that no less than total carnage and bloodshed will suffice as they begin selling off the one shoe that, to quote an anonymous Nike representative, is "worth firing a gun off in the mall or shooting a total stranger so you can get yourself a pair.”

"I’m sorry, but I’m not going to stand for these vicious actions any longer. These barbaric tactics need to cease. Won’t you please join me in signing this petition to stop the heinous and suffocating actions of the Cubs front office?"

“You see, when teams are struggling for a long time, they tend to get a little desperate,” said Chicago police officer Bob Jones. “Lose for over a century, and then something like this happens.”