Chicago

“Think about it. You can grab a Polish sausage, a beer and a churro, and pick up a book about how I brought unemployment down from double digits to a manageable 7.4 percent.”

"We were surprised about the suspension for Brady. However, Ted [Phillips] and I quickly acted afterwards. If Tom Brady could be suspended, then sure as hell we could suspend Jay," said an emphatic McCaskey. "Thank goodness the Wells Report mentioned the deflating and defeatist attitude of Jay. Once we saw the word deflating we knew that had to be about our 'so-called' leader. The folded arms, the eye roll, the don't-care attitude."

Join The Heckler for great times at Wrigley Field and the Cell this season. We're doing group outings for two games this month: Saturday, May 23, for Sox-Twins (Paul Konerko's jersey retirement and mini-statue...

The trouble started when a Jets fan named Vinnie wearing his customized "Sanchize is the Franchise" jersey asked: “You’z guys know where I can get a New York slice in this freakin’ city?”

"I've ruminated on this the past 24 hours and I'm at a complete loss," stated Quenneville. "One minute I'm thinking Craw, the next Scotty. These guys are both even and if we're gonna win the Cup I have to put emotions aside. The only logical thing is rock-paper-scissors. My verdict is final."

"It took our entire postseason run, but we finally found a way to 'Keep the Red Out," said Predators PR manager Bubby Brisco, Jr. "Ya'll Yankees think you can outsmart us, but ya'll was wrong."

“It’s the logical next step, Economics 101,” owner Tom Ricketts declared while addressing reporters outside Wrigley’s Captain Morgan Club. “If our fans, the greatest fans in the world, want a beer with a slice of baseball then, by gosh, we’re going to give them a beer with a slice of baseball. For a nominal fee."