Chicago

Tampa made the changes after Lightning players spoke that the constant presence of the no. 65 jerseys were a distraction and the “constant chewing noises generated by the no. 65 jerseys left some players with stomach pains.”

Keith's boundless speed and endurance, despite playing an average of 31 minutes per game, has lead to an array of rumors that he is indeed a cyborg that traveled through space in order to eliminate mortal enemies Pekka Rinne, Zach Parise, Ryan Kessler and Steven Stamkos.

“I am the new Sammy Sosa,” said Lake, who has struck out at a 32 percent clip over his 584 career at-bats. “Pretty soon I will have hit over 600 home runs and will be in the Hall of Fame.”

While any out of state Chicago Blackhawks fans are barred entry to the arena Wednesday night, any bandwagon Lightning fans are welcome to attend the game and wear the Steven Stamkos jersey they bought yesterday.

Adding to the increased hospitality for visiting fans, United Center concessions will serve stick skewered possum with a side of deep fried alligator snout, play at least one Florida Georgia Line song between periods, and hold a petting zoo with swamp creatures resembling Anaheim Ducks forward Corey Perry.

“I can’t explain it,” said a stunned Rizzo. “One second I was about to take a swing and the next thing I know, a fastball nails me right next to my man zone. There wasn’t anybody around, but I swear the the [expletive deleted] plunked me."

An intern at Amelie Arena, who wished to remain anonymous stated, "Look. Nobody should come into our house wearing their colors. This is our stompin' grounds!"