Chicago

In the middle of an 8-game losing streak and sitting in the bowels of the AL Central, the White Sox front office has decided to move on from the failed Robin Ventura era, and have named 1990s pet detective, Ace Ventura, as the new manager.

"We were having a great time and the fans seemed to really be into it. Next thing I know, Stan is chewing me out. Who knew he was so into Macklemore? Now I'm scared I'll be playing for Buffalo next season."

While fans amassed around Wrigley Field Monday night for another Blackhawks Stanley Cup victory celebration, the story lost in the mix was the record number of people congregated at U.S. Cellular Field.

"I'm disappointed that Crow won't be there, but he's been warned about the salty language. Hopefully the FCC will ban Duncan [Keith] too. I still have no clue what he was talking about in '13."

"I'm just asking for a friend, like, would you just fill it up for free, or would it be a few hundred bucks, you know, if you made a margarita big enough to fit inside the Stanley Cup. Not that I would fill the Stanley Cup with a frozen margarita, even though that does sound delicious and refreshing, but, like, you know, I'm just wondering. If you would do it. I mean could do it. Hypothetically."

"I asked Kimmo to watch him to make sure he doesn't do anything illegal," said Joel Quenneville. "He's just a little kid, we don't want him being irresponsible."

“You can’t really hear anything at the airport when it’s that loud. Obviously, you saw the result,” Bishop said. “It’s just too loud out there.”