Chicago

"I appreciate the question, I really do," said Kane after reading a canned statement. "But I'm only here to discuss hockey, not my excessive wrinkles, thinning hair and sunken facial features."

After a closer-than-expected loss to the Green Bay Packers on Sunday, Bears fans were seen storming Soldier Field to celebrate losing by only eight points after notably losing 55-14 to the same team last year. As the crowd triumphantly surrounded the Bears, members of the team were seen spraying each other with champagne in celebration.

"I never even heard of this guy, but what he's doing for the mustache apparel industry is unheralded," said O'Leary. "And when I saw a pitcher of Arrieta, he doesn't even have a mustache!"

Just a day after Packers All-Pro WR Jordy Nelson went down with an ACL tear, delusional Bears fan Steven Dietrich has been thrilled at what he's considering a "big break" that will dramatically improve Chicago's chances in the NFC North.

Former teammate Scottie Pippen, who has been in a similar role with the team since 2012, was none too happy to hear of Kukoc’s hiring. As a form of protest, Pippen sat out the last 1.8 seconds of the team’s regular Monday morning staff meeting at the United Center.

Pepitone’s recently released memoir of his time playing in Chicago in the early 70’s details accounts of bleacher fans throwing him marijuana cigarettes, often called joints, while he was on the field.

“We’re thin at wide receiver right now with only Eddie Royal, Kevin White and Alshon Jeffrey," Fox mentioned to Cutler. "None of those guys are really proven commodities and I think that, you know, it would be fun and um, uh well...how’s the family?”