Chicago

“We’ve never really cared about our attendance numbers,” Williams said to the press. “So we figured what harm would it do to just ban children from every game? It’s my job as president to ensure that [The White Sox organization] is not only as unlikable as possible, but to rid the sport of something that I’ve always felt was way overrated: parent/child bonding time.”

"Those are Trump hats? I had no idea," said Ricketts. "Totally random. How can you argue with they say? We all want to make America great again, right?"

“This commissioner gig is pretty sweet if you can get it,” said Bettman. “I must admit, it certainly makes me chuckle thinking how mad Johnny must be, with his little serious cheeks, and that he’s too weak to summon the energy."

"The pain is unreal!" Butler shouted as he fell to the floor of the Wells Fargo Center's visiting team's locker room. "I knew this would happen eventually, but there was no way I could prepare for it."

"It's really easy," said Urlacher. "You just take thousands of blades of grass from healthier areas of the field and insert them one-by-one in the bare areas."

With his latest magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) test scheduled for Monday morning – his 347th such exam over the past five years – Rose has decided to take up permanent residence in the MRI machine at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Working closely with his doctors, they have determined that Rose will remain in there for the next three to five years.

"What's the use?" Matheny asked stunned St.Louis reporters. "The Cubs booted us from the postseason, they sign our Game One starter for less money than we offered, they take our best player for less money than we offered and I'm left with the wretched refuse -- and those are just the fans."