Chicago

"I believe the best team in the league right now are the Braves, I think that Augie Ojeda is the best baseball player of all time, and Joey Fatone was the best member of NSYNC. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it."

"Look, it's going to be this way for a while with the Cubs and Pirates," said Cardinals GM John Mozeliak. "So we thought it just made sense to take pride in our current situation. Namely, that we have the best fans of a mediocre team in baseball."

For the first time in years, baseball is the most relevant sport in Chicago on May 1. The Blackhawks have been eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs, ending their season. This has led to some startling revelations for Hawks fans.

"The cereal is already selling like hotcakes. We're crushing Tony the Tiger, Cap ‘N Crunch, you name it," beamed Rizzo. “But we thought adding the toy Lester glove to the mix, sales might literally go through the roof and then we could afford to hire a mental health professional to help Jon get over this whole throwing issue."

“This is all just a big misunderstanding,” said HGH. “I was simply waterboarding myself with Rogaine on a nightly basis to try and achieve Jake’s level of bearded manliness.”

MLB's security changes will likely negatively impact Wrigley Field the most, where getting into a game is rarely a quick or pleasant experience. As a result, the Cubs are asking fans to prepare appropriately.

“It’s the logical next step to make the ballpark experience more convenient for the fans who eat the most hot dogs at the fastest rate,” said Brad Johnson, the club’s Manager of Concessions and Retail. “To this point vendors have circulated evenly through the stands, yelling ‘hot dog’ repeatedly yet often fruitlessly. Now, through predictive data derived through advanced scouting of fans, our vendors will be shifted to those sections containing the most gluttonous gastric guys and gals."