Chicago

Space is running out for The Heckler's last Wrigley outing of the year. Sign up today to watch the Cubs take on the Cards Thursday night, Aug. 11. The super-low price includes a lower-level game ticket, two Old Styles at a rocking Wrigleyville pre-party, a $10 coupon to TheHecklerStore.com and unlimited high-fives. Sign up today at TheHecklerStore.com!

The online world is preparing itself for a slew of uninspired and unoriginal jokes and memes to coincide with the beginning of this year's Crosstown Classic.

Cubs-Sox at Wrigley this year should be a great time and now's your chance to join. Get a game ticket and your first two Old Styles at the Murphy's Bleachers pre-party for less than a price of a ticket alone on the secondary market. Only a handful of spots remain so sign up today at TheHecklerStore.com!

A confidential source close to the situation reported the latest. "Although [Cubs general manager Jed] Hoyer said he was fine with Arrieta displaying his work ethic for the world to see, he firmly believes in the Body Issue Jinx."

"This is why you put on the surgical mask and gloves," said team surgeon Michael Benson. "No offense to the other guys on the roster, but the chance to work with Derrick is a once in a lifetime opportunity."

“To me, my vote was all about the numbers,” claimed Old Town resident Stu McGregor, who spent his Sunday afternoon voting for Coghlan the maximum 50 times on his iMac and another 50 times from a second account on his iPhone. “The Cubs are undefeated when Coghlan starts this year, while the Nationals are winning only about 60% of Harper starts.”

“Warming up before games with a good bounce was an idea I had,” said Cubs skipper Joe Maddon. “Maybe trampolines on the wall and ceiling went too far. Who’s to say? We’re just here trying not to suck.”