Chicago

“We are in a peak period for the game,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “16 teams will make the playoffs, and 14 teams will miss the playoffs and that is certainly a factual statement about the NHL that cannot be disputed. Please don’t ask me to elaborate further.”

"I thought we were bad. Then I saw some of the Bears-Bucs highlights, and I thought, maybe 0-16 isn't so terrible after all," he said. "At least the Browns know they're not a good team. It's like, hey, we get it. We suck. But Chicago actually went into Tampa Bay confident? And then laid that turd? Wow. Talk about embarrassing."

"I don't really follow the sport or the league much, but as far as I know Chicago doesn't have a second team," said Chairman George McCaskey. "So, from that standpoint, we could go 2-14 this season, and we'd still technically be the best team in the league based in Chicago."

"Rule 142.2 part A clearly states that if any offensive player from a World Series-winning team has an average below .240 and also exhibits Gold-Glove caliber defense, he may, for the good of the team and the fans in general, be allowed a replacement hitter," said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred.

"Chicago native Dwyane Wade sunk two critical free throws to defeat his non-hometown former team Thursday night, and one just has to be reminded that Wade, who grew up in Chicago, must have had mixed feelings," began an article on ESPN.com.

"Are we tanking the season? Of course not. I mean that would almost make too much sense," he said. "What we want to do is win a couple meaningless games here in the middle and end of the year. That way, we can have our choice of the 2nd or 3rd QB or RB...or a guard."

A bartender at John Barleycorn in Wrigleyville was fired today after trying to make World Series winning Cubs Manager Joe Maddon pay his own bartab.