Chicago

"It seemed like the nice thing to do," said Cubs skipper Joe Maddon. "I mean, hey, if the guy wants to swing by and take some BP, who are we to stop him?"

"Sure, it would be great to sign some big multiyear contract," said Arrieta, "but you know what is also great? My beard. So why not focus on making that even better?"

"The joy of traveling to Chicago during the middle of winter when the temperatures are well below freezing, only to be mobbed by a bunch of close-talking, chubby Cubs fans in sweat pants with nacho cheese on their faces is just the best," said Arrieta."A lot of those fans love to show off by proving to me that they know my stats better than I do. That never gets old. Trust me.

“Why do we want Cubs fans who hang out in the shithole that is Wrigley Field, to be among the rest of us here in Chicago?” lamented Harrelson, while staring wistfully at a Carl Yastrzemski baseball card.

When you're as wacky as Joe Maddon, sometimes you wake up in an impound lot. That's what happened Friday morning when the Cubs manager's 1970s "Cousin Eddie" van was towed from outside the Cubs Convention hotel downtown, where it was apparently parked illegally.

With holes to fill in the bullpen and starting rotation, as well as other key positions like back-up catcher and utility infielder, the Cubs will introduce their 2018 15-man roster at this weekend’s annual Cubs Convention.

The Chicago Cubs have put out a $1 million reward to anyone who can snap a picture of their stone-faced ace, Kyle Hendricks, in the act of smiling.