Chicago

“Mitch will continue to take 250-300 snaps each week in practice for the next 15 seasons,” said Nagy, the 16th head coach in Bears' franchise history, and first to treat players differently from disposable cattle.

“Wow, it was so much fun watching seventh-round pick Javon Wims torch the Chiefs secondary! It’s nice to know he’s developing a strong rapport with Chase Daniel and Tyler Bray,” said the giddy Michaels, who was clearly unaware that the intricate series of rods and cones in his eyes, specifically used to transmit light and color into electrical signals to be processed by the brain.

"I want very much to perform at a high level for the Chicago Cubs," said Darvish through an interpreter. "But after reviewing the 2019 schedule that just came out, I'm afraid I won't be able to participate in any of those games."

"Look, you've got to score more than one run to win most ballgames," said manager Joe Maddon. "We're going to shake things up tonight."

Cubs’ co-owner Laura Ricketts today offered to pay for the apartment of newly acquired infielder Daniel Murphy, so long as he locates himself in Boystown.

"This was not an easy decision," said Cubs President of Baseball Operations Theo Epstein, "but we feel that with everyone speculating what we would do with our lineup once Kris returned from his injury that this was out best path."

Now that the 25-year-old rookie has launched himself into legendary status following Sunday night's two-out, pinch-hit walk-off grand slam against the Nationals, the rest sports world has taken notice and many inside baseball are elevating their expectations for 18th-round draft picks as a result.