Cubs

Cubs brass has already made significant progress in its ongoing managerial search, narrowing the candidates to a group of primates or a Magic 8-Ball. Both options present tremendous upgrades from the likes of Lou Piniella, Dusty Baker and other unmentionably horrid regimes.

It's hard to believe it's been more than 40 years this week since the the Woodstock Festival took place in upstate New York. Sure enough, Cubs superfan Ronnie "Woo-Woo" Wickers found a way there and even partied backstage with Jimi Hendrix.

It's not even September and North Side baseball is already a painful afterthought. Luckily The Heckler's August issue is here to dull the pain with unbelievable coverage of the Loveable Losers. There's also great stuff about the rest of the teams in our fair city, so please read on.

A scout for the Cubs on Monday witnessed the now-infamous fan in Houston who eluded a foul ball that hit his girlfriend. Jim Hendry today consequently announced the Cubs signing of the young man to a contact through the remainder of the 2010 season.

Cubs Fantasy Camp at Wrigley Field is the latest in a series of revenue-enhancers announced by the Cubs in 2010, following the PNC Club, the Toyota sign and the Noodle. The cost for the event, which is running Monday and Tuesday is $7,500 per person.

With their season once again in the proverbial toilet, Cubs brass has decided to take advantage of the team's losing ways by signing a lucrative sponsorship deal with Kohler Plumbing, while unveiling an ingenious advertising campaign, "Flush This Season Out Of Your Mind."

Lou Piniella has officially announced that this will be his last year as the Cubs manager, and he will retire from baseball at the end of the season. In an effort to get a jumpstart on his retirement, Sweet Lou will manage the rest of the season wearing Tommy Bahama clothing. With summer in full swing, the change in wardrobe makes sense for the Cubs skipper.