Cubs

Helping to perhaps fulfill the Cubs' prophecy that he will manage them, Yanks manager Joe Girardi is being pushed out the door by the Bombers because they are tired of him.

Tyler Colvin's impressive rookie campaign for a terrible team was chugging along nicely until a rare mid-game impalement left him with a punctured chest in what can be best described as yet another "Cubbie Occurrence."

It's been a rough summer in Wrigleyville. The Cubs have played awful baseball and residents are ticked off, but things are about to get worse this weekend when the Dave Matthews Band plays two shows at Wrigley. The band's fans are known as some of the more annoying stereotypes around: stoners and fratboys.

In a desperate attempt to lure fans to Wrigley and end this dismal season on a high note, the Cubs have announced that they will have Pope Benedict XVI sing the 7th inning stretch for the last game of the season.

Prior to Friday's game in Milwaukee, an anonymous culprit planted a phony news release in the Miller Park press room that claimed Cubs GM Jim Hendry was writing an autobiography titled "How to Finish Near Last Place with the Highest Payroll in the League." After hearing of the stunt, Hendry was inspired to actually write the book.

Remarkable ability to construct colossal failures for some reason does not prevent him from remaining Cubs GM.

Wrigleyville is currently preparing itself for an onslaught of frat boys, posers and custies when the Dave Matthews Band rolls into town Sept. 17 and 18. The concerts promise to be the largest gathering of white people in Chicago since the downtown Apple Store waiting line for the new iPhone in June.