Cubs

Milton Bradley, recently arrested for domestic abuse after making specific threats of violence against his wife, has since been moved down to the lowly and terrifying California Penal League.

As part of the Cubs' constant effort to improve the fan experience, the team announced today it's replacing the legendary troughs in Wrigley Field's men’s rooms with shrubs.

The Harry Caray statue was vandalized Sunday, splattered with white spray paint that said "Sox" and a second, illegible word. "Right now our main suspect is Ozzie Guillen," said Chicago Police spokesperson Brian Connors. "After reading his Twitter page, we realize "Sox" is the only word Mr. Guillen spells correctly on a regular basis."

Ernie Banks’ 80th birthday party celebration at Harry Caray’s Saturday night was attended by, among others, the same couple who famously crashed President Obama’s first White House State Dinner in November 2009. For another attendee, former White House Social Secretary Desirée Rogers, the sight of the couple at the Cubs legend’s gala was not quite déjà vu.

In an effort to "mix things up" at Wrigley Field this year, Cubs owner Tom Ricketts is proposing to move the famed Seventh-Inning Stretch to the third inning.

Concessions workers also doing their part to fund stadium renovations with money saved through stretching out burger supply by mixing ground beef with sand.

To honor Ron Santo, the team will erect a statue of the legendary third baseman to stand outside Wrigley Field, in place of the Harry Caray statue, which will be relocated to a men's room under the bleachers "just like Harry would've wanted."