Cubs

In an effort to shave valuable time from his morning routine, Geovany Soto has turned in his manscaping kit, and possibly earned back his man card. The idea was to leave more time to focus on baseball. But letting his beard grow has brought mixed results.

Cubs GM Jim Hendry has lots of work left to do as Spring Training begins, but he might have trouble doing his job from his new location. After proclaiming the Cubs will be in contention this year while talking to reporters earlier this week, Hendry was dragged away kicking and screaming by three men in white coats and brought to the nearest psychiatric hospital for evaluation.

Following a lackluster sophomore season, Randy Wells hasn’t been mentioned nearly as often as his teammates. Even Cubs GM Jim Hendry recently forgot he was on the team.

“We'll split the profits 60/40,” said Ramirez. “They are always talking about new revenue streams, and nothing brings in the pesos--or the dollars--like a good cockfight..."

Cardinals megastar 1B Albert Pujols is reportedly seeking a 10-year, $300 million contract after his current deal expires after this season. That's a lot of cash, especially for a smaller market like St. Louis. But Cubs GM Jim Hendry thinks he can scrounge up the money, even if the decision is based solely out of spite for former Cubs infielder Ryan Theriot.

After years of emotional outbursts and quarrels with teammates, the Cubs have finally had enough. In an effort to get Carlos Zambrano to concentrate on his game, calm his temper, and find his inner self, owner Tom Ricketts forced him to practice yoga this off-season.

The Cubs have declared themselves contenders in the National League this year with the powerhouse signings of former Cub fan favorites Reed Johnson and Augie Ojeda.