Cubs

Once the baby face of the organization, veteran Kerry Wood now returns to the Cubs in the golden years of his career. While he still may possess the goods to be successful, signs point to age finally catching up with the seasoned hurler – and his memory.

Normally modest and mild-mannered, Cubs outfielder Tyler Colvin has unleashed a new beast this spring by taking every opportunity to show Mesa-area ladies the chest scar he incurred late last season when he was impaled by a broken bat.

“Normally I’ll only give 100% two weeks before the All-Star break through the end of August,” said a yawning Ramirez after waking up from his usual mid-game nap. “I haven’t tried my hardest for an entire season since I was nine years old. It’ll be tough, but I think I can do it.”

Cubs center field prospect Matt Szczur has a reputation that preceded him into camp this spring. He helped Villanova win the 2009 FCS National Championship as a wide receiver. He saved the life of a young girl by donating his bone marrow to her. Despite having led a fulfilling life, Szczur says there is one thing he lacks.

The Heckler predicts what will happen in the world of sports this month.

“If our players are determined to keep fighting with each other, then I want them prepared,” said Jim Hendry, who has also hired a referee to work the dugout during games. “As soon as any argument comes to blows, the ref is instructed to ring the bell so the entire team knows a fight is on.”

After the string of injuries suffered by Cardinal pitchers Adam Wainwright, Chris Carpenter, and Mitchell Boggs all within the first week of Spring Training, team doctors have determined the cause of such a striking plague to be the Cubs Curse carried over to the team by new infielder Ryan Theriot.