Creationists demand Darwin Barney trade
A leading Creationist organization, the Bible Truth Society, today threatened the Cubs with a boycott if second baseman Darwin Barney is not immediately traded.
La Russa markets his own brand of Cabernet under ‘Whine’ label
“I just couldn’t stand all those other wines,” pouted La Russa. “None of them tasted like I wanted them to. Some were too oaky, others too bitter. After a lot of crying and some pretty serious soul-searching, I decided to just start making my own wine."
Baseball gods put ultimate smackdown on Cubs with Astros and White Sox sweeps
The almighty lords of baseball patted themselves on the back this afternoon after finding yet another way to put the hurt on Cubs fans: by forcing them to endure a sweep at the hands of the last place Astros – while watching the crosstown rival White Sox sweep Boston.
Carlos Lee holding clubhouse attendant hostage until he gets more bear claws
Not satisfied by the six large bear claws he’d already eaten, Astros outfielder Carlos Lee has taken a Wrigley field employee hostage until “someone gets him another dozen damn donuts.”
Wrigley groundskeepers pleased with Ramirez; area around third always tidy due to anemic infielder
“I’ve seen statues move faster,” said the head groundskeeper. “I want the Cubs to win and all, but frankly, it makes my job a whole lot easier when Ramirez is playing, or standing, at third base. I love the guy!”
Cubs-related puking up 140% compared to this point last season
“I knew I shouldn’t have turned the game on after eating that second slice of pizza,” said Lakeview resident Rob Roman. “I just thought with Marmol and a 2-run lead, I’d be safe. Instead, here I am, wiping pepperoni off the plasma screen again.”
Embarrassed Cubs players have started wearing bags over their heads
"I don't even wanna show my face when I'm on the field," said Alfonso Soriano, who usually likes the limelight, often posing after he hits a home run. "But I can't turn on the TV anymore without seeing highlights of myself falling down in the outfield or helplessly flailing at sliders in the dirt. Even all this money I make doesn't make me feel better."
