Cubs

June has been a cruel month for the Cubs thus far, with the team yet to win a game after a series of gut-wrenching losses to rivals Houston, St. Louis and Cincinnati, and according to team officials, fans shouldn't expect a victory until sometime "around mid-month."

The stress of managing the “Lovable Losers” appears to have already taken a toll on the Cubs skipper. After his second consecutive sleepless night on Sunday, Quade arose Monday morning in Cincinnati to an unusual sight – tufts of hair sprouting from his head, shoulders and back.

“We went with Parrot because he won’t scare kids away, like Captain Jolly possibly might,” said the team's head of marketing.

“Yes, the Cubs are being paid to get swept,” said Chicago city attorney Mark Williams. “From the inexplicable managing decisions to the horrendous errors to grooving meatballs down the center of the plate for Albert Pujols, it’s all one giant conspiracy being funded by people who want to sell more brooms.”

The Yankees shortstop has been progressing extremely slowly toward the milestone, averaging just 1.2 hits per month this season.

Among other frivolous purchases, Todd uses team corporate card to spend almost a million dollars on a private performance of Charlie Sheen’s Torpedo of Truth tour for all the Cubs players, $500,000 on a motivational speaker he found on the internet and $100,000 on a supply of bats that turned out to be corked.

As Aramis Ramirez took a baseball to the face requiring stitches in the June 1st loss to the Houston Astros, his name was added to a list of unfortunate or freak injuries to befall Cubs players that management is attributing to a Gypsy woman the team slighted during a Spring Training game.