Cubs

The Yankees aren't the only ones upset about Derek Jeter being placed on the DL just before the team's series at Wrigley.

As the architect of a complete team failure, most would think Jim Hendry might spend his days weeping quietly while hiding in the bathroom, but he just can’t help himself from crowing about Carlos Pena’s .200+ batting average. “Everybody said he’d be lucky to hit .200. You reporters, you fans, you ‘baseball experts.’ Even Carlos himself said it."

Former Cy Young winner and perpetual train wreck Dwight Gooden has signed with the Cubs through the end of the season to give their much maligned starting rotation some depth.

“I talked to Quade and he agreed," said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. "Nobody knows Wrigley like the Kraft Noodle. Even with Soriano back, Krafty is our best option out there in terms of pure fielding ability.”

Did you know the average tray of ballpark nachos contains a heart-wrenching 1,700 milligrams of sodium? Figure in the saturated fat and cholesterol, and it’s a wonder anybody leaves the stadium alive. That’s where we seagulls come in.

The embarrassment that is the 2011 Chicago Cubs baseball campaign took a sordid turn for the worse this week when Clark Dweeble, Director of Social Media, didn’t realize the team’s official Twitter account had been compromised.

“Going to Wrigley is supposed to be fun and memorable,” Cubs owner Tom Ricketts said. “And just in case it isn’t, then maybe our fans will learn to like it if they can‘t get out.”