Cubs

To help correct the team's poor baserunning habits, Cubs players have been studying crib sheets full of helpful tips, such as "no cartwheels" and "the pitcher's mound is not fourth base."

The Cubs and White Sox announced today they are cancelling all games against other teams in the second half of the season. For the entire stretch following the All-Star break until October, the Chicago teams will play only each other in what is being called the "Crosstown Marathon."

After Cubs manager Mike Quade defended his calling out of shortstop Starlin Castro for a lack of hustle on a play in Sunday’s game, and said he would do the same to veteran players, the skipper also stated he would give other players timeouts, if necessary, as he has to Cubs rookie Tony Campana.

“It is hilarious,” said the Commander In-Chief as his wife shredded his copy. “I mean, look at this article: 'Alfonso Soriano fitted with scissor hands to trim ivy at Wrigley Field between innings.' That’s a lot more entertaining to me than watching my lovely daughter Sasha play some silly instrument.”

"Nick looked really good in the batter's box," said GM Jim Hendry. "I decided he'd be a great addition to this club so I made a little magic happen and signed him to a three-deal, $18 million deal."

"Days like Tuesday have been hard to come by," said WGN meteorologist Tom Skilling. "We had a low pressure front bringing warm, dry air from the West but unfortunately it was met by god-awful pitching and untimely hitting from the Cubs. Can you believe they gave up a five-run inning in each game? Kind of makes me want to vomit."

“It’s cruel and unusual punishment to say the least,” said defense attorney Sheldon Sorosky. “I’m sure Rod would rather do 15 years of hard time in the general population at Cook County than have to suffer through the next 25 years of his life as a die-hard Cubs fan.”