Cubs

The right thing to do when quitting a column is to write a fifteen-minute resignation piece thanking your readers and saying goodbye in a hail of fireworks. You can all relax because I am not quitting. I just take long breaks between columns unless I feel like writing them a mere two months apart.

While Cubs shortstop Starlin Castro has been celebrating being named a reserve on the N.L. All-Star team, his teammates have been unable to bring themselves to inform the budding young star that every team has to have a representative in the Midsummer Classic, and that his selection only means that he is the best player on one of the worst teams in baseball.

From filling hot tubs with Cool Whip (Marlon Byrd) to finishing grade school (Tony Campana), the Cubs have busy schedules during the 2011 All-Star break. Check out this infographic to learn more.

How would we fix the Cubs? Instead of just signing washed up players, we’d also eat and regurgitate them into nutrient-rich slurry for the rookies to enjoy.

"That's it, I'm not watching them again this season," said Jesse Lofthouse, a 29-year-old man from Chicago's North Side. "I've come close a few times but after the way they blew the game today, I'm officially done."

With Cubs leadoff men struggling to reach base even 20% of the time, GM Jim Hendry took a rather unconventional approach in finding an acceptable table setter by purchasing an Acme rocket-leadoff man.

An off-handed postgame comment by now-former Cubs pitcher Doug Davis following his horrific start against the offensively-challenged Giants has inspired manager Mike Quade to rethink his defensive alignment.