Cubs

“Look, I’m getting tired of doing these post-game press conferences and the first thing you all ask me is ‘Who are you?’ or ‘What are you doing here?’” said Lopez after Monday’s game.

After defending National League Cy Young Winner Roy Halladay was forced to leave his start Monday night in the fifth inning at Wrigley Field, Cubs manager Mike Quade declared that Excessive Heat would be penciled in his starting lineup for the duration of the homestand.

“I guess I’m no longer a kid,” said Phillip Marston, who is 13 years old. “I’m just another cynical adult who realizes the Cubs are a pathetic bunch of losers.”

Not to be outdone by Cubs fans, the Wrigley Field Seagulls have started texting at the game.

In a bold move aimed at picking off North Side fans, the White Sox have dropped the “We’re All In” slogan and replaced it with a more aggressive “Not As Bad As The Cubs™” mantra.

Not only will the stands at Arizona’s Chase Field be filled to capacity this Tuesday, but so will the dugouts. Bud Selig announced today that every active player in baseball is on call for the Midsummer Classic.

“The U.S. Defense Department contractor that has secretly been creating all my replacement parts and updated hitting software was having some slight issues with the hydraulic valves in the replacement wrist,” Pujols said. “Had everything gone according to plan, I would have been back much sooner so I apologize to all Cardinals fans and fans of teams hoping to sign me as a free agent next season. I’m looking at you Cubs. Seriously, call me and offer me $156 million over 10 years.”