Bulls

"We will make sure to replay and over-analyze the Bulls and Heat game so much over the next 24 hours that no fan will be left wanting more, and in fact, all fans of sport everywhere will be desperately begging for us to talk about something other than that three minutes LeBron had to play without his headband on."

“The move just made too much sense,” said Bears GM Phil Emery. “We needed a top-notch defensive mind, and Thibs was right down the street.”

“I consider myself a very knowledgeable NBA fan,” Dave Richards of Boston said. “I think the only college guy I’ve heard of is the one from Kentucky, Noodles Nerdles, or something like that.”

"Gee, that's a tough one," Thibs said. "I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV, but I would think that four years would be more than sufficient time for a knee injury to heal."

“I’m off to learn 3D printing," said Tedeschi. “Then I can just print out new players when anyone on the team gets hurt.”

"When I was with the Lakers, they always told me that I could have ice cream after I ate my vegetables," the 6'11'' center told reporters. "I hate broccoli! It's gross. I wanted to eat a pint of rocky road for dinner, and they never let me."

"Normally amnesty means granting freedom to a large group of individuals, but in the case of the NBA, it's what happens to an really, really overpaid player like me. You see, the team tells me 'bye bye,' but I still get paid. Crazy, right?"