Bulls

Pacers guard/forward Paul George managed to play a complete game Monday night against the Bulls without taking a single photo of his genitals or impregnating a stripper. Both exercises in self control represent a season-high for the young star.

If you were a sports fan living in Chicago during the 90's, you probably experienced most of this list at some point.

According to sources, Kim told his staff to execute Rodman, known as “The Worm,” because he has concluded the NBA star is “too weird, even by our standards. The guy is seriously messed up.”

"The deal almost hit a snag this afternoon when it was reported that they were going to add plain yellow mustard," said Bulls GM Gar Forman. "I wouldn't accept anything less than stone ground or dijon."

"I didn't know the Bulls kept playing after they lost Rose for the year," said Michael Denberski of Oak Park. "I just assumed they packed it up back then."

"In my time as chairman of the Federal Reserve, I oversaw quantitative easing and many other extremely complex international economic policies and practices," said Bernanke. "The NBA's collective bargaining agreement makes smoke come out of my ears."

When Americans weren't searching the internet for near-naked pics of Miley Cyrus twerking, some of them were reading the unbelievable sports news brought to you by your friends The Heckler. Not surprisingly, Americans mostly wanted to hear about the Blackhawks, Bulls and Bears. And the Blackhawks some more.