Bulls

"Missing a Bulls game is one thing, but this is family," said an angry Dwayne. "Play the game, Derrick!"

The wait is over Bulls fans. After years of being dogged by health issues, a reinvigorated Derrick Rose has been given a 100 percent clean bill of advertising health.

“Prior and Wood are great Chicago sports ambassadors and most importantly they knew how to milk phantom injuries for two to three years at a time while padding their bank accounts,” said Reggie Rose. “We are hoping to establish a similar plan for Derrick to assure that he can attend his kids' PTO meetings relatively pain free when they get older.”

“Oh man, this is worse than the ACL tear,” said Rose, as he writhed on the locker room floor at the Thomas and Mack Center. “Where’s Reggie [Rose]? Can somebody get Reggie in here? And I mean quick.”

"Normally we wouldn't put something so drastic out there, but there's just something about Kevin that has me thinking all these crazy thoughts," said Bulls GM Gar Forman.

With reports over the weekend that the Chicago Bulls had reached deals with Pau Gasol, Nikola Mirotic and Kirk Hinrich, the Bulls appear to have taken a big leap forward in contending for the NBA title of most white players on an NBA roster next season.

"I give those teams a lot of credit," said Anthony. "It was really creative for them to do what all the bloggers have been doing for more than 10 years and Photoshop me in their jersey."