Blackhawks

When the 26-foot tall statue of screen legend Marilyn Monroe was unveiled on Michigan Avenue earlier this month, many around town were questioning her relevance to Chicago and appropriateness of her easy-to-view underwear. However, none of this criticism mattered to Blackhawks winger/babe-hound Patrick Kane who was spotted canoodling with the statue while drunk late Monday night after watching the White Sox-Tigers game at U.S. Cellular Field.

"It sucks, bro," said Kane, who uses the injured left hand primarly for lifting pints, shots and Jager bombs. "That's my go-to boozing arm. It leaves my right hand free for scoring digits from the babes, taking cell phone photos and keeping cab drivers in line."

Shortly after trading away Brian Campbell and Troy Brouwer, Blackhawks GM Stan Bowman expressed disappointment about the eight or nine players on the roster that had major roles in winning the Stanley Cup in 2010.

Bettman made the announcement from a limousine in downtown Vancouver that was being rocked back and forth by a few dozen local hooligans Wednesday night.

Thanks to an early postseason exit, the Blackhawks will have plenty of spare time this offseason. This is how they plan to spend it.

After a thrilling first-round OT Game 7 win in Vancouver over the Blackhawks Tuesday night, the Canucks and their fans said they are really excited to be whining their way into the second round where their incessant complaining and bellyaching is sure to annoy the crap out of Nashville, their next opponent.

The Vancouver Canucks were dealt a huge blow Tuesday afternoon when superstar center Henrik Sedin announced he is quitting hockey to pursue his true passion: diving.