Blackhawks

On Thursday the NHL released the shocking results of an internal investigation of the Islanders and their dismal play this season that revealed the Islanders aren't an actual team, but a piece of paper with fake names of supposed Islanders' players. The names are rather amalgamations of famous movie characters such as goalies Happy Dufresne and Forrest Potter.

The Blackhawks flew into O'Hare early Sunday morning after their West Coast road trip to six fans holding "Welcome Home" signs and two league officials holding stacks of urine cups. All the Hawks did well on their routine pop quizzes save for Patrick Kane, whose urine came back full of Viagra, Red Bull, Grey Goose, and ExtenZe.

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With NBA basketball now on the horizon, the Blackhawks will no longer be the lone tenants of the United Center. Several members of the team have been using the Bulls locker room as a junk closet this season and will soon have to make critical decisions concerning some of their stuff.

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"We came up with a pretty good strategy," said Carcillo. "I’ll annoy the piss out of everyone, then John and Jamal will take care of the rest.”

From the hard-hitting interviews to the thrilling multi-angle shots of pucks skidding across the ice at roughly three miles per hour, Comcast SportsNet Chicago's coverage of the "Shoot The Puck" segment during Blackhawks intermission has earned the station much deserved industry recognition.