Blackhawks

"No one was as excited after beating the Rangers last night as when we won the Cup, but it's a huge win regardless," said team president John McDonough. "We've decided to celebrate the end of our nine-game losing streak with a parade down Michigan Avenue."

Kane revealed that his trip to Yankees shortstop's hometown inspired him to follow in Jeter's footsteps. He's now sending his one-night stands gift bags filled with team memorabilia.

Coach Joel Quenneville threatened to make "the ultimate sacrifice" unless his ice-cold Chicago Blackhawks are somehow able to beat the high-flying New York Rangers at Madison Square Garden tonight.

"I've been sober since the losing streak started," said a sulking Kane. "This stupid medication says that if I take it with alcohol it may cause death. I'm just sticking to beer and heading home around 4am, simple things."

"I'm not sure how they can play like this and expect to enjoy the sight of my magical mustache every day," said Quenneville. "It's time to consider the nuclear option. Either we start winning, or I start trimming."

With a seven-game losing streak on their hands, the Blackhawks told season ticket holders Saturday to disregard playoff invoices they were sent last week, despite an initial due date of March 2.

"It's the whole Words with Friends thing," said a team source who asked to remain anonymous because he has been accused of looking up words on Google before playing his turn. "The Canadian guys and American guys have different versions, and whoever invites someone to play gets to use their country's spelling."