Blackhawks

Recently acquired defenseman Johnny Oduya, stepped off the plane from Winnipeg to join his new team in Chicago last week and was greeted by throngs of cheering Blackhawks fans. Team officials have been searching for ways to re-energize a fan base during a frequently forgettable 2011-2012 season. Oduya, who was dressed in a Byfuglien jersey -- the request of Hawks brass -- was welcomed to "Buff, Buff, Buff" cheers.

Lost in the headlines of last night's thrilling victory was the oddity that Blackhawks officials selected three middle-aged men for the 'shoot the puck' promo between the second and third periods, sparking a riot at the United Center.

“Everybody calls Tazer the captain,” said travel coordinator Travis Ashley, furiously working phones in a U.C. office. “But we all know he’s also a pretty reliable team chauffeur, alarm clock, motivational speaker and secret-Santa coordinator. I wasn’t aware until now that he also works as a GPS.”

A visibly shaken and possibly concussed Jim Cornelison deflected questions about his mental health Tuesday, just minutes after shattering the nose of WWII vet Lester Phelps during his signature National Anthem.

According to a website that appears to be written in some weird Martian language, concussed Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews drove his bad-ass Mercedes into one of those pesky I-beams that support the El downtown. Apparently he no more injured than he was prior to the fender-bender, but it's pretty clear the same can't be said about his car.

John Scott returned from a three-game excused absence from the Blackhawks late last week with some swollen knuckles and impressive hardware after winning an actual Mortal Kombat tournament in parts unknown. The news doesn’t come as a great surprise, as Scott was a heavy favorite over a host of mythological beings, paid assassins and professional fighters.

Desperate for help in goal, the Chicago Blackhawks made a huge trade on Friday, acquiring Disney's Mighty Ducks goaltender Greg Goldberg.