Blackhawks

“Yeah, I plan on playing in Europe this year,” the star winger said. “But you know, why make a decision now? Why not just go and live it up like I’m Mr. Smirnoff? That way I can test drive the team and the city. Who has softer bar tops to pass out on, Moscow or Stockholm?"

Wanting to show that he can party just as hard as teammate Patrick Kane, Blackhawks star Jonathan Toews announced today that he will begin traveling with the Lawrence Welk tribute band.

The NHL labor contract expired Sunday, in the midst of players and owners scrambling to get a deal done. This all happened while Americans couldn't care less, as there is nine hours of football to watch today.

With the threat of a major NHL lockout looming, Patrick Kane is beginning to prepare for the possibility of taking a severe financial hit by scaling back on his partying ways to going out only 10 times a week.

Making his first public appearance since photos of his raucous Madison weekend surfaced this spring, Patrick Kane dodged a barrage of questions about his alcohol consumption while wearing a "foam dome" party helmet stocked with two jumbo cans of Carlsberg beer.

“We expect this new system of ADT cameras and motion-sensors to notify players when an opponent breeches our territory,” said team GM Stan Bowman. “And if nobody on the ice does anything about it, a soothing ADT operator will come over the loudspeakers, calm everybody down and alert the proper authorities.”

"Before the transplant I was always doubting myself and being kind of a wuss," said Benson. "But now that I have this thick, lustrous mustache, I can do anything! It's only been on my face two days, and I've already demanded a promotion and had sex with the hottest woman in the office."