Blackhawks

After taking a dangerous blow to the head from Jannik Hansen in the third period that forced star forward Marian Hossa off the ice for the remainder of the game during Tuesday night's victory over Vancouver, the Blackhawks equipment manager has questioned his decision to place a bulls-eye on the back of the Slovak All-Star's helmet for the past several seasons.

“How am I supposed to act intimidating after eating PB+J with the crusts cut off?” asked Leddy. “From now on it’s meatball subs, and mom, make my Cheetos flamin’. And no more perfectly-cubed fruit, throw the whole cantaloupe in there.”

“I was unsure whether to accept the rank at first,” said the always-modest Toews. “But we hockey guys never turn down a good nickname. Heck, we rarely turn down a bad one.”

Bulls fans began touting the recent rise in production of Joakim Noah, Carlos Boozer, and Jimmy Butler, snapping their fingers while moving in synchronous box-step formation.

"We were heading through security as usual," said coach Joel Quenneville. "Next thing I know half a dozen mounties ride into the terminal and put [goalie] Ray Emery in cuffs."

“Consider the superhuman effort it would take to actually overcome the inevitable six-goal barrage. Add to that the endless forechecking, skilled defense and two hot goalies,” said a breathless league executive. “We wanted to make such an amazing victory special. That is, if it ever actually happens.”

See Roberto Luongo and the Sedin brothers in all their crying, diving glory with these fun animated GIFs.