Blackhawks

Just minutes after the Blackhawks' 6-2 loss to Colorado Friday night, the living members of the 1972 Dolphins again annoyingly toasted the continuation of their reign as pro sports' most recent undefeated team.

"We're excited," said goalie Corey Crawford, who still hasn't found out which team he will be on. "I just wish one of us was in the Eastern Conference so we could meet for the Stanley Cup."

In an announcement that has sent shock waves through the world's Catholic community, the Papal conclave in the Vatican has announced that the new Bishop of Rome will be none other than the mustache of Chicago Blackhawks head coach, Joel Quenneville.

"The Blackhawks have become synonymous with winning in this town, so that mantle is taken," said Cubs president Theo Epstein. "But losing? We own that. And that's how we plan to make history."

"This Blackhawks run has given them complete control of the United Center, so they can enjoy better ice conditions," said Emanuel. "Plus, we can tow anyone who parks on the court after four inches of snow, set up intersection cameras for revenue and ticket for playing Nate Robinson on defensive sets in the 4th."

"It wasn't really that hard," said Marian Hossa, who played power forward and held LeBron James to seven points. "Basketball is a very easy game compared to hockey. While this matchup made no sense, maybe it will cause Stephen A. Smith to shut his mouth."

Blackhawks forward and notorious party animal Patrick Kane made news on and off the ice today, as he pushed his team over the top against Detroit, then was promptly arrested for streaking after what he termed a "simple misunderstanding, bro."