Bears

“With Lockout Edition, you generate points on what a player does off the field, instead of on it,” said an ESPN.com representative. “Points will be awarded based on players who get charged with a DUI, murder, rape, possession of a firearm, possession of a controlled substance, animal cruelty, and so on.”

“I was worried some of the players weren’t going to show up this year because of all the talk about them being cash-strapped,” said Wilf. “But it turns out their giant signing bonuses and outrageous salaries were enough to keep them owning yachts despite this short work stoppage.”

The NFL has once again proven why it sets the gold standard for merchandising among the four major American sports leagues.

"I try to go through the slide as many times as possible in five minutes," said an exhausted Brian Urlacher after reaching the bottom of the tube slide. "It's one of the most difficult workouts I've ever done. I don't know why we didn't think of this earlier."

Jerry Angelo's reputation for overseeing poor drafts is sure to continue at least another year as the Bears GM learned just a few hours ago that the 2011 NFL Draft is being held this evening.

Jay Cutler proposed to his reality TV girlfriend Kristin Cavallari over the weekend and the Bears' star QB is already listed as questionable for the wedding ceremony due to an apparent knee injury.

The NFL released its 2011 schedule Tuesday, overlooking the fact that the league is currently under a labor stoppage due to what Commissioner Roger Goodell later called "that whole lockout thing."