Bears

Jay Cutler doesn't really recall much about the last time the Bears played the Giants. The only thing he can remember is that was pummeled by someone on every other play and that he thought he was someone else for five minutes after being taken out of the game.

Having already trusted various friends and relatives with key roles they don’t deserve, Bears head coach Lovie Smith turned to his 78-year-old Aunt Gertie to oversee the team’s secondary.

The universal elation felt by Cubs fans over the dismissal of Jim Hendry quickly turned to the more familiar emotion of complete dismay with the news that Bears GM Jerry Angelo heads the short list of candidates to take over the position.

"Safety is our No. 1 priority," said Bears CEO George McCaskey. "Safety, and giving Devin Hester a competitive advantage under the new kick-off rules. Flubber meets both our goals."

"I'm not sure what they mean by that, but I'm pretty sure it means that the offensive line is really bad," said Cutler, who was sacked a whopping 52 times last year. "I can't imagine it being any worse than last season."

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In an effort to avoid a repeat of Friday night’s dry sod fiasco, Soldier Field GM Tim LeFevour immediately hired a 14-year-old “Sprinkler-Turner-Onner” to make sure the field is properly watered throughout 2011.