Bears

While being sequestered for questioning, Bennett called coach Lovie Smith to inform him that he would not be making the trip to San Diego. A very groggy Smith calmly reminded his valued receiver that the game this Sunday was at home. A humbled Bennett apologized to the TSA and offered to buy everyone some TCBY.

When asked what magic incantation was used by Hester, he simply replied, “I just stare at the coach and the kicker and say ‘This isn’t the return man you’re avoiding’ and waive my hand. Works every time.”

Minutes after Lance Briggs was flagged for unnecessary roughness on a seemingly clean hit that leveled Lions WR Calvin Johnson Sunday evening, NFL officials were scrambling as it finally became clear the league no longer had the ability to distinguish a dirty hit from a clean one.

Local sports writers and radio personalities dropped the ball today when they failed to update the public on Matt Forte’s contract status for nearly a dozen minutes.

Jay Cutler has a new admirer, with whom he now shares the unique quality of what the youth nowadays refer to as “that ass.” What started with an innocent tweet from Cutler’s on-again-off-again girlfriend and reality starlet Kristin Cavallari, has turned everyone’s eyes towards the QB’s ba-donk-a-donk.

“I’ve been sitting on this ‘catching on’ angle for months,” said Pompei. “Hopefully Roy can snag one or two good receptions against the Lions, then I can beat any other writers to the punch. It’s a really solid pun.”

The Heckler has been poking fun at the sports world since 2003, back when it was still okay to hit a quarterback once in a while. Now it's time for you to join the fun by writing, publishing and sharing your own Heckler articles.