Bears

As the Bears prepare to face the resurgent Broncos later this month, GM Jerry Angelo has announced a surprise personnel move to counter the play of rookie QB Tim Tebow by hiring Pontius Pilate as an assistant coach on the defensive line. Pilate, the fifth prefect of the Roman providence of Judaea, has no prior coaching experience, but should be able to apply his expertise in the area of defeating messiahs.

In the midst of a remarkable hot streak, Broncos QB Tim Tebow has decided to put his team’s AFC West lead in jeopardy by sitting out next week’s game against the Bears so he can play Baby Jesus in his local church’s annual living nativity.

"Roy Williams is very, very shitty receiver," said Sato. "But when he did his Dropzilla act it reminded me of all the carnage another beastly, alligator-armed monster has wreaked our proud country and I just about lost it."

For the fifth time in their history, the Packers are offering a sale of what they call stock, though purchasers receive no more than a piece of paper saying they own a portion of the city-owned franchise. No voting rights, cash value or any other benefits come with the stock, come along with the $250 (plus handling fees) purchase of the stock, making it essentially a donation without a tax deduction. Naturally, fans are lining up.

The on-again, off-again relationship between Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler is headed for marriage after Cavallari announced today on Twitter that the pair are engaged once again.

The speculation this week as to when Jay Cutler injured his thumb on his throwing hand came to an end today. Jerry Angelo met with the media briefly and admitted that the injury happened in the locker room after the game when both [Julius] Peppers and Cutler decided to have a ‘Thumb War’ to see who would pick up dinner Sunday night.

"We're not particularly interested in some clean-shaven, wimpy form of Kyle," said Bears GM Jerry Angelo. "We want the messy drunk who led us to 10 victories in 2005."