Bears

"It is with a heavy heart and an eye to the future, that I announce," Cutler told reporters while awkwardly reading from a legal notepad, before lateraling the speech to Forte, who finished by saying, "My resignation from the Chicago Bears."

"Like maybe one or two per interview?" he asked. "Wait, hold on, timeout. You know it takes me 5-6 hours to process the events around me, so I need plenty of stoppages when interviewing guys."

When asked by a reporter what he thought about the resignation of Bears offensive coordinator Mike Martz, Jay Cutler gave an enthusiastic thumbs up. Unfortunately for Cutler, it was the same thumbs he broke six weeks ago and the sudden movement tore numerous ligaments. Cutler now faces an additional six to eight weeks of rehab. Experts immediately began questioning Cutler's toughness after yet another injury struck the young star.

In a move sure to have far-reaching implications for the future of the franchise, the Bears announced today they have fired long-time GM Jerry Angelo, who will immediately be replaced by former Cubs GM Jim Hendry.

Just minutes after the announcement that Bears GM Jerry Angelo has been relieved of his duties, Twitter was abuzz with rumors that Cubs GM Theo Epstein was spotted at a local Starbucks.

"First I fire everybody. Lovie ... Jerry ... Martz ... that guy who massages the players when they get hurt. I just clean house," said Rosenbloom. "Then I go around Halas Hall repeating the phrase 'Hel-LO' until the team goes 14-2."

“The first camera shot of Mike Martz and it would be all over,” said Benson, who partied until 4 a.m. on New Year’s Eve. “We just had the rug cleaned, so I’d rather not splatter it with the greasy eggs and sausage I just ate in hopes of getting over last night.”