Illinois DMV requires all Chicago athletes re-take driver’s ed courses
Starting next month, the DMV will require all prominent sports celebs in Chicago to take the following courses: Proper etiquette in running from your crashed Lamborghini, avoiding immovable steel objects while you are concussed, and not punching cab drivers in the face 101.
St. Patrick’s Day Drink Specials — Chicago sports style!
From the Bitter Cutler to the Zero Wisemen, enjoy these refreshing Chicago sports-themed drinks this St. Patrick's Day!
Chicago police preemptively arrest Brandon Marshall for crime to be named later
“This is all about efficient public service,” said CPD Lieutenant Glenn Kozlowski. “When he comes in on yet another DUI or domestic abuse charge, we’ll have things pretty much ready to go. It also gives us an opportunity to juke the stats if we so choose. So that’s a bonus.”
Without catching a pass, Brandon Marshall is already best receiver in Bears history
The Bears somewhat surprisingly acquired WR Brandon Marshall from the Dolphins for two third-round picks today, immediately securing Marshall's spot as the best wideout in team history.
Bears GM Emery vows to uphold team’s tradition of crappy wide receivers
“I’m going to do everything I can to uphold the Bears’ hallowed tradition of horrendous wide receivers," Emery said. "Just really lousy all-around football players.”
Bears forgo top free agent receivers, hope to bring back Curtis Conway instead
“Wide Receiver?" asked Emery. "C’mon. It’s just a guy that can run super fast and make humongous plays.”
NFL accuses Bears offensive line of having bounty on Cutler
"I began to wonder how such massive men could fold like schoolgirls when pressured by opponents," said Goodell. "There can be only one conclusion: these guys are paying themselves to take dives so Cutler can get creamed.”
