Bears

One would think Lance Briggs would be happy now that he signed a one-year extension last week with the Bears, but he is still upset he’s being overshadowed in the local and national media by Brian Urlacher’s new relationship with Jenny McCarthy. So not to be outdone, Lance was seen last night with Melissa McCarthy at the Bolingbrook Golden Coral.

“I mean, what, what is that?” gasped a Bears fan. “Aside from the blue jersey, white pants and helmet with the ‘C’ logo on it, I barely recognize what Brian Urlacher is wearing up there. I need a martini."

Most teams’ new wide receiver gloves create a team logo when the receivers place their hands together. But to fashion a uniform more adept to Bears culture, Nike officials decided to create a gigantic hole to be formed in the middle of the gloves when receivers attempt to place their hands together.

The Bears have had a very active and productive off-season thus far, but head coach Lovie Smith is far from satisfied.

This is a highly unusual football strategy that involves the quarterback thrusting the ball through the air and a player grasping the ball in their hands down the field.

New Bears GM Phil Emery wasted no time making a splash by signing head case and Illinois penal code nightmare Brandon Marshall, but at a recent press conference he alerted local media that the 2012 NFL draft is going to run status quo; they plan to focus entirely on finding pre-injured offensive tackles and safeties that no one wants.

The Chicago Bears signed free agent Michael Bush on Thursday, but the news was overshadowed by running back Matt Forte’s well-earned graduation from the prestigious Lance Briggs Whining Academy.