Bears

Brian Urlacher split with girlfriend Jenny McCarthy just days after undergoing knee surgery. Both parties indicated that the decision was mutual, but insiders say McCarthy's diagnosis of Urlacher's injury as “knee sniffles” may have been the final straw.

Bears players were at first excited to hear that Jay Cutler would be reading passages of his new book at a team meeting. This excitement quickly turned to horror when Cutler read snippets of his erotic novel debut -- “Fifty Shades of Jay” -- the story of a passionate love affair with the QB, written from the perspective of a recent female college graduate.

Bears leadership is urging fans not to worry that Brian Urlacher emerged from surprise surgery on his knee Tuesday morning with a bloody stump where his lower leg used to be.

Speculations point to a possible knee injury, but Lovie Smith squashed rumors this morning: "Rex, I mean Brian Urlacher is our middle linebacker, he will just play in a wheelchair. This is what we imagined this year."

"Sure, I could have worked on my scrambling skills or some bullshit passing drills," said Cutler. "But what I really want to improve are my scowling skills. I just feel like I could have done a lot more in that department last season."

"The Bears finally stepped up and showed me some of the respect I deserve," said Forte. "Now it's time for them to step up and show me all of the respect I deserve by getting rid of every other running back on our roster."

"It's great to finally get this distraction behind us," said Bill Pinner, a former car salesman who lost his job in 2009. "I'm sure Matt will be as concerned about the job situation for the rest of us as we were for him."