Bears

"This is not cool, man! I have no idea what I used to do on those Sundays before last September. It seems like eons ago. Did I do puzzles? Did I spend time with the kids? Do I even have kids?"

To entice researchers to study the abnormalities in his chronically traumatized skull, Cutler has offered to play the entire 2013-14 season without a helmet, thereby maximizing the likelihood of degenerative brain damage. He has also increased the amount of violent hits to his head by playing without an offensive line since 2010.

The NFL has taken notice, placing a color-coded schedule on players' wrists telling them what date it is, and if their team is playing.

"We're actually glad about the scandal," said a spokesperson. "We usually have no idea what's in our meat. I assumed it was squirrel or possum or something. But now that we know it's horse, well, that opens up a bunch of creative avenues we never would've explored."

"This is Sir Pointy Head," said Lewis, referring to the elk he was riding Saturday evening as part of a promotional stunt to mark his retirement. "We couldn't find a deer on such short notice...but his antlers are similar to the ones we used to harvest the topical spray that has held my body together since 2010."

“I can remember watching Sid Luckman run the T in the 1940 NFL championship game at Wrigley Field,” said 91-year-old Wally Maynard, a longtime Bears fan who lost eight fingers and part of a foot to frostbite as he watched Chicago trounce the Washington Redskins 73-0.

"It worked for me!" said Cavallari, former star of the MTV reality show The Hills. "I mean one day I'm just a girl involved in a sordid love triangle on a tasteless TV show, and now I'm married to a professional football player!"