Bears

"We strive for the halftime show to be a thing of derision, but we've not had our fans openly hate the Super Bowl halftime show since we got the Black Eyed Peas. So naturally, if we wanted to piss everyone off, we needed to get the most petulant, spoiled, overrated musicians we could think of to play along with Bruno, and Miley and Justin were at the top of our list," said Goodell.

6 – Chicago Bears Bear Downs beat Team Hardknocks 24-21 as Jay Cavallari hits his best bro Brandon Marshall for winning score. My boy “Peanut” Tillman ambushed Bengals by just grabbing the ball out of the air instead of his “Peanut Punch” which I taught him.

Four punts on third down and the special teams coach calling for a rouge nearly cost the Bears a season-opening win in their game against the Bengals.

“When the pro football season starts, I’m like a boxer in training,” Rodney Tripp, 21, of Cleveland, a staunch Browns fan, said. “No touchy the paw paw until after the Super Bowl.”

The owners have all agreed that if each and every player agrees not to file a lawsuit over head trauma sustained from concussions, they will all be allowed to live on Elysium when they retire.

"Apparently [former head coach] Lovie Smith thought the offense was moving too fast sometimes," said Urlacher. "So we'd constantly be burning timeouts and delaying play calls in an effort to create the right pace. It didn't work as well as the whole faking injuries on defense thing, but you live and learn."

Coming off a 4-12 campaign, Detroit Lions fans needed a reason to believe this season, and head coach Jim Schwartz has provided it, vowing to "learn how to coach this year, I swear."