Bears

“Man, my life is great,” Peppers told ChicagoBears.com in his first interview since the erstwhile Pro Bowler decided to mail it in just after the first preseason game earlier this year. “I spend extra time in the whirlpool at Halas Hall, get at least one massage per day, and two or three times each week, I meet Urlacher for lunch at Chipotle.”

"Shots to the knees shorten careers while headhunting leads to long-term CTE issues," said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith. "But your testicles? What's the worst that can happen, low sperm count?"

“The move just made too much sense,” said Bears GM Phil Emery. “We needed a top-notch defensive mind, and Thibs was right down the street.”

"Is Jerry Angelo running this team again?" said Richard Garcia, a security guard for the airport. "The only good thing about Tebow is the Bears would be the lead story on every SportsCenter."

For their efforts against the Bears, each Giants player was rewarded with four slices of pizza, two sodas and unlimited tokens.

Play along as the Bears take on the Saints in what the broadcasters will say feels just like a playoff game...even though it's only October.

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.