Bears

Bears’ backup quarterback Jordan Palmer left a crowd of 60,000 fans breathless completing two of his seven passes during a scrimmage at the team’s Family Night at Soldier Field.

"In hindsight, yes, we should not have hired Mike and the guys from Chicago to maintain our field," said a FIFA official. "But you know how these things work. Someone's nephew needed a handout, some palms were greased and, of course, this is Chicago and FIFA we're talking about."

Last season it took the Bears 16 games to come out totally even and botch a chance at the playoffs. Dropping the final two games, either of which would’ve given them a spot in the playoffs, the Bears continued their run of ripping out the hearts of fans just like that older girl down the street did to you in junior high.

"Aw man, that lady's like a walking disease factory," said Marshall, in between coughing spells while telltale Koplik's spots began appearing on his face. "Apparently she thinks it's okay not to get vaccinated, but now look at me."

“We are awarding Kristin this degree for her ability to play the faux-brainiac,” said college director Bobo the Hobo. “The depth of her make-believe knowledge is unmatched. She has pretended to read many comically oversized books.”

"Unfortunately league rule prohibit us from signing free agents outside the NFC North," said Bears GM Phil Emery. "I've not actually seen this rule, but since teams in our division are only signing free agents from other teams in this division it has to be the case."

Medical experts were disappointed Friday to learn that Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari are refusing to have their children immunized for a variety of ailments, including Interceptionitis, which tends to run in the Cutler family.