Bears

Monday morning quarterbacks throughout Chicago were busy analyzing the Bears' heartbreaking 31-24 loss to the Panthers Sunday and everyone agreed on one thing.

"I was thinking, 'Here we go again. Another political ad.' However, when I saw Governor Quinn cutting his lawn, I got up off my couch," said Nolan. "I knew. It was the way he was using that old fashioned lawn mower. Did you see the richness of his lawn? No misplaced or torn sod, not even any brown grass. There were no puddles, no mud. I don't know how he does it."

"Once again, the Bears completely fell apart against Green Bay, and I frankly wouldn't be surprised if we saw a super-race of cheesehead-wearing, flesh-eating zombies take over the entire Midwest," said Chicagosports.com's Steve Rosenbloom. "Sure, the team is 2-2, but Jay Cutler has almost certainly ushered in the era of disease, mayhem and destruction."

"Back up there in Wisconsin, every other car has a 10-point buck on the roof," said Wartonson. "Or at least a doe and a couple of foxes or something. What the hell do people in Chicago do from Monday to Saturday?"

Follow along as the Bears hobbled wide-outs (hopefully) ring up 300 yards and three TDs against the Jets' second-rate defensive backfield.

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.