Bears

Bears GM Phil Emery stopped short of promising that the Bears' defense can somehow find a way to give up more than 42 points against a Vikings team that lacks the potent offensive weapons of Green Bay or New England, telling members of the press, "Listen, I know that it'll be hard to find a way to surrender 43 or more points in the first half to a somewhat lackluster Vikings squad. But, I've been around the league a long time, and I've never seen a team so talented at giving up opposing touchdowns."

"Even our education system and rampant crime have become less embarrassing than being associated with this football team," a city official told Bears Chairman George McCaskey. "And don't think about calling yourselves the Illinois Bears or the Windy City Bears, either. Until you can keep an offense under 50, we better not see that C logo anywhere on your helmets."

In addition, Trestman cancelled the team’s subscription to People magazine and will not allow television watching and cigarette smoking during halftime for remaining games this season.

"It's sad, really. All these innocent people going about their business in New York or Denver or even Tokyo, totally unaware that the world will cease to exist if the Bears lose in Green Bay and go to 3-6 on the season," said Benson.

“I made a reservation at Legal Seafoods overlooking the bay at Long Wharf for Saturday night,” Marshall said. “Nothing like a five pound lobster and a couple of bowls of chowder to patch things up.”

There is only one main priority for the President of the United States right now, and that’s trying to restore order to the Bears locker room. With no end in sight to this internal...

After another stunning home loss, this time to the mediocre Miami Dolphins, Chicago Bears head coach Marc Trestman was terse. Taking a page out of Bill Belichick's playbook, Trestman refused to answer any questions during the press conference with anything other than, "We're on to New England."